


Toys 101

by earthphoenix (roughknuckles)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack, Fluff and Crack, M/M, Pre-Slash, Sex Toys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-08-05
Updated: 2007-08-05
Packaged: 2018-01-18 07:00:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1419062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roughknuckles/pseuds/earthphoenix
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Technically only Regulus/sex toys. Completely random crack AU. Really. Seriously. Crack.</p>
<p>Severus works in a porn store, and is very knowledgeable. The Black Prince, Regulus of course has had a rather sheltered life, and needs some direction as to where to begin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Toys 101

Behind a booth that was raised a foot higher then the rest of the store, a man sat in a swivel chair reading from a book by Douglas Adams. It was a slow night for work, a good night for reading. People never came on Mondays, Mondays were too depressing. And oddly, people didn't think of sex when they were depressed. They should. It would make them feel better, for sure.  
   
A cloaked wizard came in the door, making the bell ring softly. It wasn't unusual for customers in this particular store to remain hooded as they shopped, especially if they were of a certain class and did not wish to be recognized. The tall wizard in the deep grey cloak with fine stitching on it drifted in silently and began to browse the shelves on the wall that were stocked with aphrodisiac potions, stamina potions, and moved on, not wanting those. The tall, slim figure stopped in front of the wall of magical accessories meant to heighten pleasure, and to explore the limits and predilections of the purchaser.  
   
"Let me know if you require assistance." Severus said automatically, only briefly looking up to make sure the man hadn't gone right for one of the potions and put them into his pockets.  
   
The cloaked man nodded briefly, not looking back at the man behind the counter as he looked up and down the extensive shelves, hands clasped politely, elegantly behind his back.  
   
Severus continued to read until the end of the chapter, at which time he marked his place and closed the book. Severus leaned forward on the countertop, arms folded before him, watching the other man who was still looking, "Questions?"  
   
The cloaked man hesitated and shook his head again, not even touching anything yet, but looking at different things as though confused or conflicted. "Just ... " a smooth, elegant young voice came from the cloak, "trying to decide."  
   
Severus sat on the countertop, swinging his legs over and slid down, as it was the only way to get back and forth from behind the counter and register. He walked over a little, but gave the man his space, "For yourself or another?"   
   
"Just ... myself." The voice came out a little rushed and under the hood, the young man's mouth was visible.   
   
Severus licked his own lips at the sight, it was a terrible habit. "Very well, then take another step down … that’s where you need to be looking. You see? This part of the wall is for double penetration, and unless I’m mistaken, you only need the one."  
   
The stranger's mouth looked almost angelic and certainly well cared for, his skin was pale and smooth, his lips flushed a healthy pink, full and sculpted into a fine cupid's bow. "Ah ... right," he murmured, nervously, "I've really never done anything like this before."  
   
Severus nodded, "That’s why I’m here. I can answer any of your questions and maybe talk about what you’re interested in. However, if you are concerned about privacy, I’ll close up the shop-" it was not uncommon for Severus to do this with an important client, "then you can take off your robe, rather then burn under the heat of them."   
   
"Thank you," he said, sounding relieved, "that would be lovely, it's too warm in here like this."  
   
Severus nodded, waving his hand at the door, which locked and a shade was drawn over it, as were the window displays similarly draped. "Very good, young master. My name is Severus." He said, offering to help the other man with his over robe.  
   
The young man removed his robe slowly, with graceful movements, revealing a face that was pretty more than it was handsome, dark, almost mahogany colored hair, high cheekbones and stunning blue eyes. "Thank you," he said, offering his robe to Severus.  
   
Severus took the robe and folded it over his arm as he walked to the front, placing it on the counter for safekeeping. "Now then-" he said walking back, hands folded behind his back, "can you describe what sort of effect you are desiring? What are you interested in?"   
   
"I ... haven't had very much experience ... at all" he sighed, coloring brightly, blood blooming under his white cheeks, "but I'd like to experiment a little, alone at first. I'm not sure what ... well I am," he sighed, clearly a shy young man, "I suppose I'm more attracted to men in general if that helps."  
   
"A little, it’s a beginning." Severus smiled reassuringly. "Let’s see. I think, two beginning categories then." He reached and pulled one of the hygienically sealed packages off the wall, showing it to the young man as if it were a fine wine, "This is your basic sleeve, which you enjoy, after adding some oil or other favorite lubrication and slide it down over your shaft." Severus demonstrated this by summoning one of the display items that were not for sale, showing how the sleeve covered it like a second skin. "This you can use manually, or with a charm, but many of these have built in charms with them, making it tight, to your pleasure, or to simulate sucking. As you can see, they come in various styles. Like this one here, just a colored sleeve, no prosthetics to it. These here are lips, and of course a vagina or anus is also available."   
   
Regulus turned brilliant red, but just nodded politely, "I see ..."  
   
"Sorry. Am I going too fast? Questions. I do well answering questions."  
   
Regulus covered his face with his hands for a moment, "Sorry, sorry. No, you're doing fine, doing your job. Please excuse my ... reaction, I'm a little nervous and not used to speaking so ... frankly about such things."  
   
"Very well." Severus cleared his throat, "Then … if that doesn't interest you, there are various sorts of dildos and anal plugs. The plugs are rather straightforward, they come in different sizes, we even have a few kits, so that you can start small and work your way up to a bigger one. Different colors of course, but mostly all the same shape, as you can tell." Severus continued as if this was his classroom, and this was his subject which he talked about every day, which he did. "Mostly the purpose of these is to have something stationary that you can have inside you while you do everyday things. Go to dinner, and no one but you would know, you’d be enjoying yourself rather then just pretending to enjoy yourself at some stuffy party." Only then did Severus rethink his audience, before he got off his detour, "So, again. Something stationary that you can enjoy, leave in place while you masturbate or have someone suck you off, depending upon what you’re looking for."   
   
The young man laughed softly, "Ah. Perhaps, since you seem so knowledgeable, would you care to recommend perhaps three things for me to ... ehm, try out and explain ... if you don't mind, how I should ... how they're ... used?" The wealthy young wizard was soft-spoken and gave the impression of being utterly incapable of harming a soul despite his obvious social power.  
   
"Very well, you’ve already listened to me talk about the sleeves and the plugs, but the dildos, they are a little more interesting. Ones like these have suction on the bottom, you can stick them up against a tile wall of the bottom of your tub, so that it remains in place when you push back upon it. But that seems like too much work this stage in the game. How about one of these-" Severus pulled down two displays, "This one here has marbles inside which roll around when used, and this one here just vibrates." Severus handed the young man the one that vibrated, "You can look at that one, get an idea of how it feels and bends. These are nice, because even if you are very nervous and having trouble relaxing, pushing the head of the toy up against your anus while it is vibrating helps to relax the muscle, and become accustomed to something being there until you are comfortable enough to push it inside."  
   
The thing vibrated in Regulus's hand and he almost dropped it, shoving it back at Severus as he jumped back a little, breathless. "It ... moved!"  
   
"Yes, that’s the general idea." Severus smiled and held the red vibrator in his own hand, allowing the young man to see how fast or slow it moved on each setting, then how flexible it was when Severus twisted his hand around it, "I think once you find one that interests you, all you really need to do is take some time to experiment with it."  
   
Regulus nodded, wishing the ground would just open up and swallow him whole. "I ... perhaps ... can you suggest one? I'm a little overwhelmed at the moment."  
   
"Very well." Severus put the display version back on the shelf after turning it off, "Would you like one that is realistic … skin toned? Veins and all? Something that is just an unusual shape and color, or one that’s designed … let’s see, this one is spiral … these two have mermaid faces on them, not for you … I don’t think … let’s see."   
   
Regulus laughed a little and clamped a hand over his mouth, "Yes, whatever you suggest, I just ... I'll just trust your judgement for now." _PLEASE no more questions._  
   
Severus blushed a little, almost apologetic as he reached for one off the wall still in it’s packaging. It was on the smaller side of the average dildo, blue and not looking offensive at all as it didn’t look like a penis, just the general shape of one, a little curved up at the end, just to get at the right spot. "Here, this is a start. I think you’ll like this one, and if not, well, we can find you something else, that is, if you’re not completely scared off by the end of this."  
   
Regulus took the box from the taller, obviously far more experienced young man. "Thank you," he said, looking down and taking a deep breath before speaking, a little easier if he wasn't looking right into those probing, dark eyes, "I'm not scared off, you're very helpful, I'm just ... a little sheltered, I suppose."  
   
"Then let me commend you for braving the wilds of the world and coming out and explore your interests to see for yourself."  
   
"I must seem ... ridiculous to you."  
   
"Not at all. Quite brave, actually to come out here by yourself. So many people associate pleasure with so much shame, they don’t allow for such curiosity."   
   
"Thank you," Regulus looked up, feeling a little better, "My family has never been very ... accepting."  
   
"If you don’t mind me saying so, young master, that is one thing that is not bound to any particular class." Severus put a few more things away, "Now, I’m going to recommend this anal plug as well-" he picked one of the smaller sizes, keeping it black, rather then a skin tone or bright color. "You can see if that is enjoyable to you or not. Now, I’m sorry, another question, did the sleeves interest you at all?"  
   
The blush came back as Regulus pursed his lips and took the plug from Severus, "Yes ..." he said, almost as a question.  
   
"Prosthetics …" Severus showed Regulus one is more detail of a simulated ass-hole, "or basic" he held in his other hand one that was supposed to look flesh toned, but really came off as looking pink.  
   
"Basicisfine, thankyou."  
   
"Alright" Severus smiled a little, handing him his recommendation. "Now … you can look around of course, there are oils and lubes of course … unless you think you are done for the time being?"  
   
"Will I need some of those?" Regulus asked delicately, the sex toys tucked into the crook of his long, graceful arm.  
   
"If you don’t have any already, then yes, I would recommend lube. Ah … did you know how to use it?"  
   
Severus was met with a polite, but blank, apologetic stare, "I ... don't think so, no."  
   
Severus walked the young man over to the display close to the check out counter where there were shelves of lube to choose from. "Now some of these are personal lubricants, they warm a little when they are on skin, or else they have a flavor. Neither of which I think you need to concern yourself with quite yet. These here are just general lubes. What you do, is when you open it up, you squirt a little onto your fingers and then rub it up and down whichever sex toy you are going to use. I suggest starting at the top, and just ease the lube down so that there aren’t any dry spots where you intend to insert it. You can do this, and then also rub the excess against your anus, just around to help ease yourself and get comfortable. Otherwise it makes for nice, smooth lubrication when masturbating."   
   
Regulus nodded, "Thank you," he already seemed a little less embarrassed as they approached the counter, "really. What do I owe you?"  
   
Severus lifted himself up onto the counter and swung his legs around to get behind it again as he wrote up the billing by hand, the price written on the bottom, the items listed discreetly as something generic. "Here you are-" he said as he packaged everything up into a brown bag.   
   
Regulus smiled a little at the neat, slanted writing on the bill and laid down over twice the total, "Thankyou, I'm sure I'll be back, Severus." Regulus took the bag and waited for his cloak.  
   
"You are quite welcome," Severus said as he moved over the countertop again so that he was on the floor, level with the young man as he unfolded the robe, helping it onto his shoulders, "it was my pleasure."  
   
At the word pleasure on the clerk's deep, sonorous voice, the pureblood blushed again as he smiled. "Thank you ... I mean, yes-" he laughed softy and bit his lower lip, "thank you. Goodnight." Regulus went to the door and pushed it open and left.

**Author's Note:**

> co-authored. originally written for thestralskinphoenixtears


End file.
